It's Been a Minute...
“It’s been a minute….”
This was my first thought since I haven’t written here on SubStack lately. Between a trip to Disney with one of my best friends, catching up on work, sickness all around everywhere, and a family wedding in Philly, life has been crazy lately. I’d imagine you can relate.
But here we are, and I’m glad to take a second to pause and reflect.
It’s no coincidence that in a busy season where I feel like I have dropped the ball in a lot of ways that my tendency towards perfectionism and pride has reared its ugly head. It can come out in being impatient and easily frustrated towards others (sorry, Mom!).
As I reflected on this, a memory resurfaced that has been so very helpful for me and for those around me—both friends and in my work as a lay counselor. Thought I would both record and share it here, praying it might be encouraging for you.
Picture this with me. I was in college during my senior year, and there was a lot going on in every area of school, work, and relationships. I was trying desperately to juggle everything well (read: perfectly) and just couldn’t keep it all up. I had failed in probably every area, including spiritually.
In a moment of vulnerability, I called my brother to talk with him about how I just couldn’t do it all and was really struggling. To say the least, he always just had a way of being a safe place and of bringing me back to reality lovingly and honestly. (Spoiler alert—it’s still that way.)
Through frustrated tears, I ended my rant with something like: “I have so much to do. I want to do it all, and I just can’t. And, in the midst of it all, I just keep sinning and realizing the depth of my sin. I’m so tired of it, and I’m trying so hard to do it right. Why can’t I get it right?”
There was a brief pause, holding space for all that I had shared.
And then, after acknowledging all that I was struggling through, my brother offered a simple yet life-altering truth that I have literally never forgotten and hopefully never will.
He kindly explained that at least part of my struggle was a misunderstanding of sanctification on my part. The point of sanctification is NOT becoming totally independent of God, growing out of our need for the Gospel and no longer needing Him. We cannot and will not grow out of our need for God. It is actually that, in growing closer to Him, we “realize our deeper need for Jesus every day.”
There’s the truth, said in love. He had helped me diagnose what was actually going on in my heart. I wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t able to do it all (because I am human, for one thing). I had seen my sinfulness and was disappointed and frustrated that I couldn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps and be independent of God. I had met my limits in every way. And I needed someone to tell me the truth.
The relief I felt in that moment was tangible. The point was not for me to be perfect, doing it all by myself, having it all together, fixing it all by myself. What should be happening is that I grow in my love and appreciation for the finished work of Christ on the cross. It should actually help me become more dependent on the Lord, thankful for His grace. It is a truth that will anchor me throughout life.
(He also shared “Be Kind to Yourself” by Andrew Peterson which should give you a glimpse into the headspace I was in in my perfectionism. Truly shoutout to my brother for so many things, not only for his comforting wisdom shared but also his introducing me to many amazing artists.)
It had been a minute since I shared that story, and it actually brought comfort afresh when I was able to recount it in a few different contexts.
And I suspect the reminder of the beauty of the Gospel will be needed over and over again. When I am confronted with my imperfections and sin, I will cling to and sing this truth (using the words of “But for the Cross of Christ”):
“What is the truth
That ever anchors me
Amidst the waves of all my guilt
That Christ has shed His blood and pardoned me
At the cross, at the cross
…..
Behold the cross
There is no greater love
Heaven’s Son
Laid down His life for us
Oh my soul would be lost
With no hope to find
But for the cross of Christ”
Maybe, just maybe, it’s been a minute, and you needed that Gospel reminder today, too.
Clinging to Him with you,
Hannah